Dealing with Grief
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 hen we lose someone close to us, when our
health or security are threatened, whenever we face a great loss in our lives, we lose
control. That's certainly not easy. The process of working through those losses is a
difficult and confusing one. It can make us feel like we are losing our mind. The feelings
come and go so unexpectedly. Just when we think things are all better, the feelings come
back and are worse than ever. People who face losses in their lives go through certain
stages. It all sounds so clinical, but I can tell you through personal experience that it
is very true. I lost both my parents, my mom when I was 21 years old, my dad when I
was 26. I have spent a great deal of time dealing with these losses and have come to
understand that what the experts tell us is really true. It can be very helpful
to understand the process. Even though it sounds so
clinical, it is true that we go through the following
stages.
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The Grief Process
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Denial [Numbness]. The body protects us
from what is really happening. The experience does not seem real. We can go through the
motions at the time of loss and sometimes through the time of the funeral as through we
are spectators watching from a distance. This can be a stage of bargaining as well,
telling God we will do or change anything if the person can be brought back. Over a period
of time, reality is faced. It is important to talk about it , not to keep it at a distance
with frantic activity, pills or alcohol.
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Anger. May be directed at the doctor,
nurses, ambulance people, anyone who could have saved the person, at innocent bystanders,
God, ourselves, the person who died, the clergy person or even someone else who has not
lost that particular relative or loved one.
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Guilt. Guilt is anger turned toward
ourselves. None of us is as kind, sensitive or thoughtful as we would like to be. We may
feel bad about things we have said or done to hurt the person who has died. Since there is
not time for apologies, we can be left with unfinished business. In the messy business of
daily living, we do the best we can - and thank God for those who love us in our
imperfections. Guilt can extend to our failure to see the future or to prevent the death.
We can say a million times, "If only . . ." We can even feel guilty when we find
ourselves having a good time or forgetting about our grief for a period of time.
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Depression. A heavy pall hanging over
everything. In our minds nothing will ever be all right again. Depression paralyzes us.
The simplest and most ordinary jobs become almost impossible for us to do. Looking forward
to tomorrow or anything is impossible. This is the most difficult and frightening stage.
We need to strive to talk and to keep those who seem to withdraw from us involved in daily
life.
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Acceptance. The time emerges when we
begin to believe we will make it through. That doesn't mean things will be the same as
they were or that we won't miss the person any more, but it means things will be all
right. We can talk about the loved one and remember them often, but we go on with life. We
can find that our experience of loss can be very helpful to others facing similar losses.
As we share their grief with them, we can find that contact healing for us as well.
God Cares!
 od Cares. Sometimes our feelings
about God become involved in the process of grieving. We can blame Him for what has
happened or wonder why he didn't stop it. We may have come to believe that God punishes us
for doing wrong. We may think someone else besides our loved one would be more deserving
of death. Those who call and come to the funeral home may say things that confuse and
anger us: that the death is God's will, that it is a blessing, that God needed a good
person in heaven. Many of us have come to deeper faith through our loss. We have come to
believe that God is at least as upset about our loss as we are. After all, He lost His
only Son. After all, Jesus stood and wept at the tomb of his friend Lazarus. Even Jesus
was not spared death. If we can make it to the point where we don't blame God for what has
happened, we can begin receiving the real help he wishes to give us. We can see Him in
family and friends to maintain contact and offer to help. We can receive his strength,
understanding and consolation when we see Him in those who listen to how we feel. We can
experience the joy of Jesus promise of forgiveness and eternal life, even in the times
when we struggle the most. We can come to see that God has not abandoned us at all, but
that he carries us through the most difficult times.
 t's confusing. The grief stages come and
go. Just as we feel we are finished with one, it comes back again. Other people,
situations, holidays, news stories, etc. continue to remind us of the person we have lost.
We need to remember that what we are feeling is normal. That is crucially important when
we experience depression. Help is always available. Feel free to contact or
e-mail
me when you need to talk. Keep the family talking
as well. Know that you remain in our prayers and that we stand ready to do all we can to
help you through this difficult time. God Bless!
A Crisis
 ometimes it's a crisis!
Everything has been turned upside down and we don't know where to turn.
I've developed a Crisis Novena to help. Just click the banner below and
begin nine days of dealing with the loss you're facing. It has already
been helpful to thousands!
Some simple
things to do.
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The Church tells us it is helpful to pray for
those who have died. Our bond with them is not broken at all. Remember that, and pray
often. Come to Church, go to the Temple, or a favorite spot and pray. Light a candle in
their memory, help the poor, give to their favorite charity, do what you think would
please them.
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Tell the story. Don't allow them to be
forgotten, especially by the children in your family. Show pictures, remember the best
times. This shouldn't be morbid, but a cheerful link with their heritage.
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Emulate their best qualities. Think of your
best memories of the person and strive to be that kind of person.
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Let go of resentment. The things a deceased
loved one has done to harm us come back as well. While praying for the person, pray too,
for a willingness to let go of any resentments you might hold against them.
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Celebrate an anniversary or special day by
including them. Taking some time to pray, light a candle, make their favorite food, go to
a favorite place. Don't expect to have holidays and special occasions be exactly as they
were. They won't be . . . but they can still be good!
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Don't feel guilty when you're not thinking
about them. That's probably the hardest, not thinking about them for an hour or two, and
then feeling guilty because we're forgetting. Not thinking about the person constantly is
a sign that we're doing a little better.
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Go on with life, as they'd like us to.
Chances are, the person who has died would like us to continue to enjoy life. Do it!
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Don't be upset with the insensitivity of
others. When we need the help of others the most, they don't bring up the loss any more.
The reason is that they don't want to upset us. It might be up to us to begin talking
about it. In the same way, our friends don't know what to say to comfort us. Sometimes
they say things that are simply dumb: "God needed another angel, it's a blessing, . .
." You know the phrases. When we hear them, we just need to be grateful that the
person was there for us and said anything at all. What matters most is that people
care!
Seek Help!
 any Churches, hospitals, etc. sponsor Grief
Support Groups. They can be invaluable sources of strength and help. Others have been
through what we face. They help us until we can help still others. Some parishes
have a
Grief Support Committee. When a parishioner dies, someone is assigned to walk with their
family for at least a year . . . simply as a caring friend, perhaps sending a card, making
a phone call, remembering an important time. It is best to let others help. It's
difficult, too, especially if we are a helper ourselves. Sometimes it is good to ask
ourselves the question, "What would all the helpers do if nobody accepted help?"
The road is a much easier one when we allow others to walk it with us. Know that you are in
our prayers. May God bless you and keep you safe!
Recommended
Reading:
The Harold Kushner book, "When Bad things Happen to Good People."
Written by a rabbi, it was very helpful to me in dealing with my parents' deaths. It is in all the
libraries I know about and available in paperback at any book store. It is
not written as a Christian book. Still, some of Rabbi Kushner's insights
can be quite comforting and helpful. Feel free to e-mail me for
perspective.
The Westberg book, "Good Grief" is a synopsis of the grief process.
A little more in depth than what I have presented, but the best part is right here.
Cyber-member Margaret recommends the book
"Motherless Daughters," by Hope
Edelman. As Margaret says:
"That book had such an immense
impact on me, it surpasses words. As I read that book, I felt as though I was among
friends. The author herself says that she searched long and hard to find a book to
help her deal with her loss, and when she found so little out there for women who
have lost their mothers (mostly at a young age but this book is for any woman who
has lost her mother) she went out and wrote her own. That book was a great help in
allowing me to access so many different feelings and deal with them, and even more
important, I no longer felt so alone as I read words from women interviewed for the book
where they were actually saying the very things I'd been saying. I felt so
understood."
Visit our Book Choices Page for more information about these
and some of the other books recommended on the various pages of our Web Site.
Ideas?
 ow can this page be better. Please send an
e-mail if you have ideas, suggested resources, etc. Let this be a common project to help
one another!
Prayers for the Dying +
Prayers at the
Graveside +
Cremation
All Souls Regulations
+
Blessing of Parents after a Miscarriage
Scripture
Readings for Catholic Funerals
This
Page inspired by Chava W. and dedicated to her mom. May the soul of her mom
This material may not be copied to another web site, or copied in any way without
permission.
Feel free to link to this page if you'd like, and we'll add a reciprocal link.
©MMV
Fr. Pat UmbergerAd Majorem Dei
Gloriam. |
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since 21 June 1998 |
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