God loves us

od loves us.  Before we were put together in our mother's womb, God knew us.  As we grow up and develop our gifts and talents, we learn a bit about what our vocation in life might be.  As we form relationships with others, we can experience the presence of God.  We can feel protected in the loving arms of our parents.  We can gain confidence as we succeed at things we found difficult.  We can share ourselves and our love deeply with family members and friends.  All the time, we can know God's love for us.
 

eople are getting married later in life these days.  My dad was the first one in our family who went to high school.  Before people commonly went to high school and college it was normal to be married at eighteen or nineteen.  Now many who will marry are single into their late twenties and even through most of their thirties. That's a long time, especially if we're spending those years with the attitude that we're just preparing for something good to come, for our lives to start. Our single years can be fulfilling for us.  They can consist of much more than college "spring break" or "get wasted" activities. Students learn that very quickly as well. Single years can provide opportunities for travel, community and even international service, learning a language and trying many things. If there's not an urgency to be married, we can enjoy single life very much.
 

wenty dollars a couple.  Many single people hate advertisements like that.  It tells us that we're not welcome if we're not married, dating or don't bring someone along.  Young single people might have the courage and energy to find someone to go with them.  But probably not.  Widows and widowers can see such advertisements as a sign that life as they knew it as a married couple is really over.  When we play cards we often look for partners.  When we invite dinner guests too, we tend to look for couples. Especially if we're not single ourselves. 

ased on double occupancy. Many of us would like to travel. We might have the resources to go on a cruise. We may search the Internet for a good deal and always come up with the disclaimer, "Based on double occupancy." So, either we need to pay a large extra fee or stay in a room with someone we may or may not get along with. When I lead a pilgrimage I make sure that the tour company will help single people find roommates. I stress that single people are welcome.  Still, I know that economics dictate that single rooms are going to cost extra. Some single people prefer a single room, but it does cost more. So a great vacation deal that can seem like the opportunity of a lifetime to a married couple can fill a single person with anxiety.  There are singles vacations and singles cruises.  Many find them to be wonderful opportunities, especially if they don't use them as a desperate attempt to find a partner.

estaurants are not always helpful.  We can tire of the greeting, "Are you by yourself? Just you? Will someone be joining you?" We can see or imagine that people are looking at us.  Although we'd enjoy a nice dinner we often go to fast food places, lunch counters or places where business travelers eat. We don't usually go to amusement parks or water parks by ourselves.  We don't have anybody to ride with us. If we enjoy such things we feel fortunate when we have nieces and nephews or grandchildren.  If we don't have nieces or nephews either, we might consider enriching the life of a young person as a Big Brother or Big Sister.
 

n the other hand, we usually have more time.  Some of us find it easier to get away or go on vacation.  We can often find more time pray and read.  We have time for hobbies and interests. Still, it can be a chore to find someone to do things with.  But sometimes we just give up and do most things alone.

olunteers. When I first got out of college I was a high school band and choir director. Many of the new teachers were single. It was a *wonderful* time in my life. There were built-in friends all around me. Weekends were full of movies, cookouts, conversation, bowling, shopping and friendship. There were games to go to. All of sudden we learned that we would be the chaperones for dances and bus trips. "They're single. They can do that."  We heard those words time after time. And we mostly enjoyed it. Still, many single people find that they're often called on to do things nobody else wants to do. Others "might be out of town" that weekend or "might have a family thing to attend." Volunteering can be very fulfilling, that's for sure.  Sometimes we can form deeper friendships by working together at Church, in a community service organization, a music or theatre group or other volunteer opportunity we enjoy.

Deeper relationships

alk, talk talk!  Many of us get tired of all the talking.  If we're single, much of our talk can be superficial.  We talk with others at work.  When we come home, there's nobody to talk to.  It's tempting to have a radio or television wherever we are.  We talk to cats and dogs and sometimes even fish. We have a need for deeper relationships.  If we don't really want to be married it can be hard to find the deeper relationships we need.  If we very much want to be married it can be difficult not to come on too strong and even to seem desperate.  We can wonder why some married couples seem to communicate so little with each other.  When we find lonely married people in search of deeper relationships that can cause all kinds of confusion and complications.
 

e need each other!  God calls us to be people who live in relationship with others.  Our prayer leads us to service. Our faith needs to be shared. Our lives need to be shared. Although a few are called to live consecrated lives as hermits, most of us aren't. Where then can we find the support we need? Jesus was a single person.  He seemed to be with others almost all the time.  Mary and Martha and Lazarus were his friends.  He stood at the tomb of Lazarus and cried.  He gathered disciples around him.  He forged relationships with the people he met.  It would be difficult for us to think of Jesus as somehow incomplete or second class.

How can things be better?

hat can single people do to live fulfilling lives? We can find joy in each day. We can talk and listen to others.  We can form friendships and make plans to do things with others. We can volunteer in areas that we find interesting and fulfilling. We can seek out others who are single and make plans to do things with them. We don't have to be looking toward marriage or to be completely compatible in order to go to a movie, concert or play with somebody else. We can have many kinds of friendships. We can approach somebody at Church and talk about the needs of single people.  We might even start a singles group or club that schedules activities we can do with others.
 

hat can married people do? As a priest I enjoy being part of a family.  My sisters live too far away for me to be a constant part of their families.  We do many things together, and I look forward to those times.  Still, they have husbands, wives and children of their own. I enjoy being invited to dinner, to a game or other activity with families from my parish. It can be great not to walk into a game and look for somebody to sit with. It's wonderful not to have to eat all alone. Although my Vocation is to live as a single person, I still have the need to talk and listen and to be part of a family.  That's often a my Church family.  It can be with other priests and religious. It can be with members of my priest support group. But it can be individual families within my parish as well.  Those who have families can create an occasional place for a single person.  A friend of mine in his 80's has never been married.  He is very proud of this "adopted" children and grandchildren who make sure he has a place to belong.

hat can the Church do? We can be aware.  If we sponsor a dance, dinner or other activity we don't have to sell "couple" tickets.  When looking for workers at those activities, we don't need to gravitate to the single people who we don't think will attend anyway.  We can mention singles in homilies, in the bulletin and in Church announcements.  We can seek input from all kinds of single folk and try to determine how we can be the most supportive.  We might even establish a singles group, or even more than one of them.  We can pray for the single people in our parish.  We can include single people in special blessings.  For example, when blessing mothers we can also bless those who are looking forward to being mothers, or mothers whose children are far away from them.
 

hy is it God's will that others get married but I don't?  Isn't it tempting to blame God when we don't get what we think we'd like to have?  Most of us can be very happy during the single times in our lives.  Some of us can also be very happy married people.  If we blame God for our singleness we're not likely to see many blessings during the single periods of our lives.  If we become obsessed with finding someone we can easily drive others away for find somebody who is not good for us at all. 

hastity.  Whatever our state in life, we are called to live chastely.  Sexual activity outside marriage is not a very good way for us to find a good and faithful husband or wife.  Looking for a husband or wife in a bar can greatly increase the chance that we'll marry an alcoholic.  If we are not chaste in our period of courtship and are pressured into doing things we don't want to, we can end up marrying someone who will control us in other areas of our lives, and perhaps someone who is not capable of being faithful to another person for life.  Sometimes sexual activity makes a relationship move more quickly than it should and good relationships are ruined.  Statistically, having sex before marriage dramatically decreases the chances that a marriage will succeed. God calls us to live chastely.  If we feel interior pressure to be married we can bend our morals in order to be with somebody.  We can easily find deep pain and disappointment rather than the fulfillment and happiness we'd like.

ocations.  There are many single people who find their true calling in priesthood or consecrated life.  I'm one of them. It may be that too few of us seriously consider that God may be calling us to live as a priest, sister or brother or in other forms of consecrated life.  We can pray to know God's will for us.  We'll be the happiest and most fulfilled when we follow God's call wherever it leads.  A discernment retreat can be a good idea, too.  Learning more about priesthood and consecrated life doesn't mean that we need to become a priest.  There will be no pressure for us to do so.  Perhaps our understanding will be deeper.  Perhaps we'll find our true calling when we ask God, without reservation, how he would like us to live our lives.  Click here for more about Vocations to priesthood and religious life.

e still and know that I am God.  It's from Psalm 46, verse 10 and is one of my favorite Scripture verses.  Sometimes it's best for us to simply be still in God's presence and allow ourselves to be loved by God.  We can listen to God.  We can follow God's call.  It's not necessary for us to desperately seek something we thing we want or make something happen sooner than it should.  When the time is right something really wonderful will present itself.  We might be greatly surprised, but it will be truly wonderful.  We can trust that it is not God's will that we're lonely or alone.  God will always be there to help us keep connected ... with God himself and with those around us.

few years ago I had the wedding of a man in his 60's who had never been married before.  He never thought he would marry.  He enjoyed dancing, so went dancing and would dance and have a good time with many women.  His goal was not to get married and he was not inappropriate in his relationships with women.  He had many friends who were women, but he held on to his values and lived a very happy single life.  All of a sudden, love found him.  It's wonderful to see him together with his wife.  They complement each other beautifully.  He'd be the last to tell us that his single years were wasted, or even that he's happier now than he was during his more than sixty years as a single man.  Both he and his wife found wonderful people to marry.  The time was worth it.  Things of quality have no fear of time. 

Ring those bells!

iza Minelli sings a song called "Ring those bells."  It's about a woman vacationing in Europe and finding the love she's been seeking for many years.  When she beings to talk with the man she learns that for years he's lived right across the hall in her own apartment building in New York.  We have to do our part.  We can either lament the fact that we have nothing to do, or we can call someone and arrange to do something with them.  We can feel bad that we're not invited to bring up the gifts at Church, or we can call and get on the schedule.  We can feel persecuted when something is advertised as "Twenty dollars a couple" or we can go with a friend or inquire about a ticket for one.  We can eat fast food when we'd rather have a great meal, or we can go into the restaurant and ask for a table for one.  There are challenges, that's for sure.  But our life as a single person is just as valuable to God and can be just as enjoyable, enriching and satisfying for us.  And it's better if we remember to "Ring those bells!"

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